My Foolish Heart

November 21, 2007 at 10:31 pm 1 comment

Sometimes I think I’m a psycho whose emotions are involunterily uncontrolled, just like what I showed them today. I ask myself why. Why oh why? Why was I act so stupid? Why couldn’t I handle myself? The effects were not so good.

This day is a nightmare. It really was. So, what happened to me?

» My other-and-a-half was so close that he became so angry and won’t talk to me
» I was so disappointed so I ‘left’ this world behind and slept with tears, wondering if there’s someone still care about my presence
» I throwed away my PDAphone as if it was not worth a price, a single ion my daddy had got and I just treat it so badly I’m now so sorry and I feel like I will cry; ooh, how stupid! How idiot! How fool! Me, bad bad bad!!! 😦
» Now I’ve got no idea why would I do such terrible things like throwing such an expensive gadget, but however, I started to blame someone I personally, secretly, really love; oh God, why didn’t I realize that he is the one? He is my only one! MY ONLY ONE! But I made him hate me! I made him leave! Why wouldn’t I stop to just THINK!?
» I was late for EF and then spent about 20 minutes walking to EF Kayoon myself; yes, in the middle of the darkness sidewalk, alone, surrounded by creepy shadows and whispers and cars bells… It was a lonely, tiring journey; it wouldn’t be much horrible if someone was there to accompany me along but I finally made it through. I was still sad remembering him.

Suddenly this song swimming in my head:

If the feeling is gone
Please don’t pretend that you still love me
I can see it in your eyes
And it hurts to admit it
I can tell that the feeling is gone

All I ask is just a little honesty
Though I know that you’re not coming back to me
You know I’d do anything to make you stay
But I just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone

There’s a sadness in you eyes
I can tell that the feeling is gone

That’s the sad song sung by Kyla. I dunno why did I write them here. God, please don’t make my reality goes like this song! 😦

You know, everybody knows, my heart knows how much I’m in love and care about someone out there. It doesn’t seem too obvious, though, but this fire is always burning inside. And I’m so scared to lose him. I know that’s gay huh? But the feeling tells me more honest things than anybody does!

Many things should have been considered gratefully. I see it. I should have grateful for the broke of my PDA is not as much as anyone’s; it’s just broke so small in the corner but the rest is ok. If I have to lose him at last I still have the memories of him and there’d be much boys waiting for my love. If people talked and made fun of me behind my back I guess I should consider that as their problems, not mine, so I didn’t have to be upset about being ‘a central attention’. If my brother I always cherish couldn’t make that duchenne smile, I still know and sure (or assume?) that he’s always gonna be there, watching over me to guide me and help me and talk to me and somehow will give that nice cute genuine smile again 🙂 And if I had to walk in the night by myself I should have seen the gift God sent me: the success of me being home again with full stomach and enough water and don’t get any accidents at all… God gave me strength to go on, actually, so God must be soooooo gorgeous because God still hope for my change of life, to turn my mistakes into what people (and me) think is right.

I really wanna change. I really wanna make a glory of change. Everybody changes. It’s my time. So now my priorities are (I know priorities are supposed to be one but, hey, it’s my blog!):

» Doing my Project Work and Final Project (at least I should THINK of them! Don’t be lazy!)
» Stealing his heart again
» Change my perspective of life
» Managing my anger and my whole emotions
» Wake up earlier! Wake up in the morning! Don’t wait till the sun rises! The good day starts with a happy waking-ups!

Lastly, I wanna ask you lot a so-called forgiveness if there’s some of you whose heart was broken or hurt by me or my words. I’m sorry. I mean it. It’s true from my heart. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me…


Entry filed under: Life Lessons, Love, Screwed-up, Song Lyrics.

I Do… Cool Facts

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Dog training  |  November 27, 2007 at 7:42 pm

    Very interesting… as always! Cheers from -Switzerland-.


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